Farm Motherhood, my story

This week marks 1.5 years being a mom. 4.5 years owning this business and roughly 22 years of organic farming. Let’s just say the last 1.5 were the hardest ever….

Any mom will tell you they were also the best- a love deeper than anything, a challenge that my partner and I are are proud to be walking through together, a sweet life and family we are building, our value system deepening, our days more meaningful than ever before.

But definitely the hardest ever - physically, emotionally, logistically quite a puzzle. At 1.5 years old things are starting to feel more balanced. Getting more reliable sleep, our daughter’s communication and mobility makes it feel like she’s truly her own person now- and we are blessed to be her trusted guides.

Through the amnesia brought on by both sleep deprivation and lots of oxytocin (the love hormone) , it’s hard to REALLY remember how we got through the first year intact. But I thought it may be interesting to share a few things we do remember that helped us get through operating a business and raising a little farm baby.

It only takes a second to snap a sweet photo op- but moments like these are fleeting!

Newborn + Early postpartum

This was the biggest shock of my life. The intensity of childbirth, followed by the intensity of caring for a baby all while hormones are making you crazy and breastfeeding feels impossibly painful. What a transition into a brave new world. And yes, the whole world looked different to me through the portal of this experience, and I am forever changed by it.

Trying to do something for the first time while babywearing

All in all I had a very normal natural birthstory, and a healthy baby yet to be honest I think I still had what feels like PTSD from it. Being newly postpartum I was really concerned that my body wasn’t ever going to heal and I felt intense fear and anxiety about everything that lasted about 12+ months. I was ‘in the trenches’.

At about six weeks into motherhood my employee was about to start and help the season (it was mid March) and Josh helped too in those early days- doing heavy lifting even prepping beds that helped me feel less stressed about work while tending to a new life round the clock.

Friends brought meals, my mom, godmother, and my sister brought words of comforting commiseration and validation in times of doubt and a weekly therapy session was key. Josh had some time off work, as he’d been in a motorcycle accident two months prior and he took on a lot of baby and mama care, tag teaming the nights with me and making almost all the food while I uncomfortably nursed as much as 8 out of 24 hours.

As my body healed I started to get out into the field little by little and eventually felt strong and able again- but that was a rough spring acclimating to a new body and new reality. I remember crying the first night after working on the farm all day- I was exhausted- my arms were so sore, and I felt too weak to hold my baby and rock her to sleep in my arms, but I had to push through (cue the breakdown).

Breastfeeding got easier after a couple months and we found a rythym where Josh would bring baby out to the field to nurse or I would come in. It usually felt like a welcome break. A release of oxytocin and a way to check in on things with the family. Our daughter lost interest in the bottle at this time and that did limit our options for being apart for too long. The first year I was never away from her for more than three hours.

Working from home had its perks and its painful moments. If she cried you could hear it everywhere on the property (or at least I could, as her mom. I heard lots of phantom cries too). I would run in to make sure Josh didn’t need support. You can imagine how unimportant a crop of lettuce feels to a mama farmer in a moment like this…

To be honest the whole first year I felt like the farm was really low priority. Because it was. Sure, the farm was a good place for me to get a little break, get exercise, use my brain in different ways. But it was hard for my to feel passionate about it when I was devoted to learning this massive new skill of mothering.

At three months old we returned to markets, thanks to my employee for doing a huge amount of spring work and enabled by my partner Josh who came along to each market (and still does) to care for our daughter so that I could focus on customers.

We made it through that first season as parents. The farm produced food, didn’t grow up in briars, and made very minimal profits for me to live off of.

Before baby came I had decided to simplify, cut out salad kits temporarily, stop my weekly delivery route, memberships, and just sell veg, one type of dressing, and pesto at one market. I knew it was going to hurt profits. The cuts to my products allowed me to work three days a week to keep the farm going: 1 day of field work (plus employee!), 1 day harvesting, 1 day at market.

Those days were really short at first (leaving the house was hard, lots of breaks for nursing, quitting early) but eventually I was able to put in more solid days.

My partner Josh also worked for himself 2-3 days a week that first year. While he worked I cared for baby and didn’t do any farmwork- save for seeding while she napped in a carrier, switching around irrigation or anything that didn’t require me to bend at the hips (she would wake up!).

That first year almost every nap she took was in the carrier or in the car seat. 5 carrier naps a day, 5 walks around the neighborhood, it felt like a marathon. But sleep [ever so gradually] got easier for her and less stressful for us. Once she was ok with us sitting down while she napped we at least could take a little break and relax while she napped, which we rejoiced about!

It never really worked for us to put baby in a pack n play, bouncer or on a blanket while we did anything because it only worked for a few minutes.

If I wanted to accomplish something while she napped in her carrier I would make sure to ‘set myself up’ while she was awake or in a stroller so that everything was in place when she drifted off. Then, without too must noise or movement I could complete a small task during a nap.

Other things that were possible while babywearing- making project lists, writing a newsletter, bagging greens, cleaning garlic (ie not much). Once baby got big enough to sleep in a back carry I could do things like prune or harvest tomatoes, with her on me. But honestly it was very small amount of work that I did with her…and still is.

Being a mom and not being able to work created (forced?) a whole new feeling of balance for me. Working only part time and spending the other 4 days of the week with family, seeing other moms and babies, going to town…this was new for me since prior to becoming a mom I was definitely a workaholic!

I realize now just HOW much I worked before having a kiddo. I’m glad I worked hard to set the farm up well, get the business established before my daughter arrived, but also I’m ashamed at how much I worked. Mainly because of how little I saw family and friends and took care of myself. By the time my daughter was 8 months old I lost both of my parents, so the times I sacrificed togetherness for farmwork feel pretty painful- a lesson learned I hope.

Today

Fast forward to where we are today. My daughter is 18 months old. Walking confidently, saying more words than I can count (no sentences yet), sleeping through the night most nights, taking 1-2 naps per day (usually in stroller or car seat or arms) , eating solid food of all kinds, she’s silly, full of delight and affection. I feel very proud and settled in my role as Mama, and love to see our relationship grow and change as she grows. She’s starting to wean from breastfeeding which is a whole new chapter that feels like more freedom (but also a lot of grief, for her babyhood and our hard-won breastfeeding journey coming to an end). She’s also has a great bond with her dad from all the time he dedicated to showing up as a parent.

These days I work 4 days a week. Josh watches Zinny three of those days (including at market) and I have welcomed an amazing babysitter one day a week. That extra day has felt great- like I can choose to work or go to an appointment or find a little space to feel human rather than just worker-bee and mama-san.

My employee works more full days this year too, and has been really flexible and understanding as I juggle parenting with being her boss. I’ve got really lucky to find her and have someone as hardworking and compassionate as she is.

This June I was able to bring back a simplified version of my salad kits too and we are aiming to open a micro farmstand this fall.

I’m feeling behind on lots of land projects and maintenance and the list never really ends  (as anyone will say) but all in all I think my business and family are well cared for and supported in this phase we are in. Much to be grateful for.

So how do you get work done with a baby or toddler?

If anyone asks me this my honest answer is- you don’t! You can only do ‘real work’ when someone else is caring for your kid.

On the days where my daughter and me spend the day together we’re often at the farmlet in the morning and afternoon but go out and about in the middle of the day (library, park, meetup). It’s amazing to have her at this age- on her own two feet exploring the farm a lot of the day. I’ll take her out to do a small task (like opening all the tunnels) and see if anything interests her, and follow her lead, try challenge myself to not lose interest before she does.  Meandering around the farm, finding bugs, flowers, dirt clods, finding super sweet tomatoes to gorge on or identifying and pulling weeds and singing songs.

She also tends to be a magnet for danger (ie. Sod staples, rebar stakes, ladders, paint, pointy things, pruners. glass shards etc!). Worth mentioning…

She likes to be helpful on the super simple tasks that involve repeated tasks like bringing me plants, picking up rocks and putting in a basket, pulling weeds. This is usually easier between 7am and 9am when we are fresh, and the sun isn’t too intense.

But a toddler focusing on a task is never a guarantee. Sometimes her attention span is short or she’s not interested in doing anything except being held or fussing. So it’s best to not expect to get anything done, but feel grateful and surprised if you manage to accomplish a task together. We go back and forth to the house all day, playing, eating, reading and changing diapers inside, playing, exploring, napping outside.  Just watching her play and learn words or snack on the food I grow is enough to bring me joy.

That’s where we are right now. Everything is changing so so gradually that you don’t notice it happening yet all the sudden you are in a new phase. So many different ages and phases of motherhood, farmlife, and childhood ahead of us still. It’s exciting to imagine.

18 months in

At 1.5 years of doing farming and motherhood together I am feeling super grateful. We have found some footing and balance and I am starting to feel passionate about my work again. I am so glad I didn’t throw in the towel (yes, I was very tempted to quit on those continual nights of zero sleep!).

I’m so glad we have the farm, our community of customers and fellow farmers to make our lives richer and more connected. My daughter really is the best thing I’ve ever watched grow. The journey of motherhood so far really feels like a spiritual challenge to help me test and deepen my values. The value of good food, meaningful work, and community feel even more dear to me now as a mama.

I think it’s easy to see other parents and think it must be easier for them, or how the heck are they getting anything done? So I hope this helps illuminate how one family has done this hard thing. And if you are wondering how I had time to write this blog post: I woke up at 3am before the start of a long drive to visit family and Josh is driving while baby girl is sleeping soundly (for now 😬). Wish us luck!